Miracle on YOUR Street
The face of someone new, taking in everything in complete wonder. I’m looking at him now as he sleeps and slumbers. Amazed by what I see. He has just come from inside of me this new life without any scars on his soul. He came into the world small enough for me to hold. He held us together by the out of love and fear we have to be there for him to wipe away his tears. I am a mother. True to form I can’t believe my child was just born.
Lying in this hospital room placing my hand on my stomach above my empty womb glad to know he did not come too soon. Knowing that he is here is enough to make me smile.
I have given life, I have a child. A large responsibility in this world, don’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl. We must teach them how to be and to make sure that they lead and don’t follow. Help them to see the future, especially tomorrow.
Make sure they know the difference in write and wrong. So that to others they do no harm. To instill in them everything that is good. It doesn’t matter if they live in the hood. Make sure that they know the value of a dollar and teach them how to spend. MEN, teach your sons how to be MEN and not boys. Let them know that women are human and to respect them. Women are not to be treated like toys. Teach them to grow up with respect for their elders, teach them how to work hard, so they don’t end up in shelters. Teach them how to not tell a lie, teach them that it’s ok to cry. Teach them that it’s ok to help someone else. Also let them know that it always good to look out for themselves.
Women teach your girls how to be ladies and not to run around here having babies. Make sure they know that they are well loved, so they can stop looking for love from everywhere except from the man above. Teach them that it’s ok to read books, take the time and teach them to cook. Teach them what it means to be feminine. Teach them so that they don’t have to rely on men. Teach them so they won’t be promiscuous, teach them so they won’t give it up so quickly to the ones that breaks their hearts, fathers it’s important that you pay attention to this part. While your daughter is lying up with God knows who, did it every cross your mind that she is looking for you? Someone to treat her the way that you did, someone that was there for her when she was a kid for all of the absent fathers that are not there, watch out when your daughter starts to date, it will be you and her mother that she imitates.
Wanting to know what she did wrong and why mommy couldn’t keep daddy at home? Women watch what men you bring around your sons and how many men you bring around. You son will do nothing but look down, on you for bringing around so many fools that didn’t matter in his life. Always lying around telling others you are his wife, making a living off of you, wearing your son’s clothes while he is in school. Be careful I tell you; please listen to me…while you think he may be thinking about you, he may be trying to get your son outta school. Treat your children like gems. Predators are out there and waiting for child. All they need is for you to spend time with them and help them to mature. So that they will be able to endure all that they may endure. No need for them to struggle and cry out why…when all we must do as parents is teach them the real meaning of live. Letting other people teach our children is some bull, but doing it ourselves watching it manifest, that is a miracle.
I’ve been someone that has always needed the approval of those I thought to be closest
to me. I am someone who didn’t always trust others. I have sought love on both sides
of the fence for affection and attention. I have played mental games and hurt others that
I assumed were trying to hurt me first. I have lied and I have been too truthful to
get someone to love me because I didn’t love myself. I believed what others told me
only to find out they were laughing at me and talking about me behind my back.
I have been promiscuous looking for love in all the wrong places, again all because I
didn’t love myself. I got married to someone that I thought I didn’t deserve. This is the
year 2009, where it will all end. I am letting go of these demons that have haunted me.
I am going to be the person I really am and not who others want me to be. I am strong,
I am loved and I love hard. I am a mother, a wife, a writer and a fighter. I speak louder
now to be heard and to be understood. I no longer care what others think about me. I
am learning to love myself still, which is an ever going process. But this is who I am and
I am embracing it for the first time in my life. This is who I am and where I’ve been and
where I am going…….
Walking through the crowd I can hear the whispers of others trying to tear down my spirit. The stares as if they care. They only care when I fail, not when I excel. I lift my sights higher to the Creator,
for He knows it all. He knows my hopes, dreams, and fears.
He knows where I am going and when I will arrive.
In His time, not mine. The stares of others trying to determine who I am
and who I should be, why me of course, why anyone else?
Myself, a combination of those that came before me that made me.
Exquisite, beautiful, full of life, overflowing with love and peace.
Been hurt, lied to, cheated on, denied and rejected because of what someone else thought
That is fine, because the I in me knows that it is just a fleshly, earthly matter
and my spirit will continue to soar above all condemnation,
the haters, the instigators, the perpetrators and the ones that wish me harm……
to unknown destinations that you choose to pass on, sleep on, give away or just u give up on.
Flying high in my mind, knowing who I am, accepting who I am, all of me, not part of me.
If He can accept me, why can’t I all the time?
My flaws and all.
From the fullness of my thighs, the slant in my eyes, the kinkiness of my hair
and even if I swear….He accepts me, He loves me, he completes me.
Yes, me….he can do the same for you if you choose to.
Let go and receive the Divine love that is free and not judgmental.
I can feel myself opening up wider for him as he
plunges deeper into my desires. Making me delirious,
my mysterious man. I don’t even know how our
encounter began. I should’ve ran as fast as I could. I’ve
feel as if I’ve never felt this way before, laying here on
the kitchen floor. All I did was answer the door. I
thought it was my husband for sure. But it wasn’t. It
was someone wanting to use the phone, me not
thinking about me being home alone. He looks safe
enough my brain seems to think. I let him come in
without even blinking. Feeling him pierce my behind with
his stare. I forgot I’m not wearing any underwear! I
show him where the phone is and I start backing away.
“Maybe I can make it back into the bedroom,” I pray.
Holding together my robe so tight. I think that’s when
he sensed my fright. Hanging up the phone he said,
“There was no answer.” ” Do you need any help?”
“No,” was his answer. I said , “Ok, well I’ll show you to
the door.” “That’s ok, I know where the door is.” “Ok
have a nice day,” I thought…”Jerk.” He never moved
and he started coming my way. “What are you doing?”
I started to say. But he was on me so quickly I couldn’t
believe! I couldn’t even scream when I felt his physique.
He begin to kiss me and I tried to fight, but he was
looking and smelling so good….I kissed him back with all
my might! He was just as surprised as I was a complete
stranger. I forgot that I may have been in danger. No
words were spoken as I felt my womanhood get damp
and my kissed lips glistened. I reached down below and
I felt his manhood stiffen. He lowered himself on the
floor and down I went too, which is where I started
when I told you he went deeper into my desire to put
out the fire and then left with nothing to say. The phone
rung, it was my husband I smiled and said, “Hi honey,
how is your day?”
Sometimes I wish I could change things. Just the things that make me hurt. When I try to change them, I only feel worse.
Sometimes I want to go back, back to the beginning of my life, to right the wrongs that I’ve done and not to cause so much trouble and strife.
Sometimes I curse a lot and other times I pray; “Dear God, how much longer will it be this way?” I get no response; I wonder often what he would say.
I know that God does not hear a sinner’s prayer, I was taught that from the start. I am sad he cannot hear me, but glad he can see my heart.
Sometimes I have the need for glamor, money and sex appeal.
Sometimes I just want to be accepted for being honest and keeping it real.
Sometimes I want to be single and act like I’m young and be carefree, this part always makes me wonder, if I do that will I be forever lonely?
Sometimes I call on family members only to get criticized and a little advice. Why won’t anyone listen tome, what about what I want in my life?
Sometimes I often wonder where did I go wrong. At one time, I thought I was confident…..man I thought I was strong. Could it be me the stranger in my own home? I once thought I was crazy, wishing I was stoned.
Sometimes I wonder when I look up in the sky, is someone else doing what I’m doing, are they wondering why?
Sometimes I speak out loud and other times I sit in silence and cry.
Sometimes I crave a child someone whose life revolves around me. They see the world much differently until they reach maturity.
Sometimes I write to ease the pain in my soul. I want my words to be read amongst others until I’m gray and old. Now I must stop wondering and focusing on right now. I will just continue to pray to God and I know he will show me how.
For those of you that are wondering how this came to be….take the time to ask someone, make sure the one that you ask is me.
Taking the time to unwind as you hug my curves with
every word from your sugar coated lips, caressing my
hips with your verbs massaging my mind with your
analytical, lyrical verses. Harmonic, melody, a
symphony in my ears a drumbeat in my heart, a deep
breath a contented sigh. A hand squeeze in the lower
part of my back, only to slide down and touch my
thickness. A sly smile touches his full lips and I
knowingly sense that he is wanting to dip in my pool
of knowledge. Turning to face him, I let him pull my
thoughts into his run on’s and adding my commas
turning them into a complete sentence. No fragments
here, just soliloquy’s and vibrations of words dancing
off of the tip of my tongue into his ear, no sense of fear
here. No tears, just words, unheard while my mans
verbs hug my curves…..words, spoken softy while
driving slowly up the road of vowels and sounds,
broken English and slang, that southern twang, sweet as
iced tea. My curve hugging vowel speaking love is
touching my soul with his words, unheard of by many,
just for me….and his hands are still trying to find the
beat of my curves meticulously, he knows the way all
he has to do is say the words.
LOCKED UP AND LOCKED IN
You have the right to remain silent. Do you understand?
We are gathered together here in the sight of God.
Anything you say can and will be used against you.
To join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
In a court of law. Do you understand?
Which is commended to be honorable among all men.
You have the right to speak to an attorney. Do you understand?
Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind.
And to have an attorney present during any questioning. Do you understand?
It is intended for their mutual joy – and for the help and comfort given on another in prosperity and adversity.
If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
Through marriage, you choose to make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and accept each other’s failures.
Do you understand?
why should i stay?
when i wanna go.
you act like you don’t love me anymore.
do unto others ain’t that the golden rule?
do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
you don’t listen to me.
do you even hear?
you act like you are blind, when i shed a tear.
i realize you don’t want what i want.
opposites attract, it aint true.
i thought you wanted to be with me.
and i wanted to be with you.
i don’t understand how you could fool me so easily.
telling me lies i surely believed.
like “yes i want a family, a girl for you and a boy for me”
that was just MY fantasy.
i promised i would give you my all.
even though we started small.
we both worked hard because we wanted more.
is it that you were unsure?
you held my past against me.
while i tried to forget.
haven’t i said “i’m sorry” enough yet?
i’m starting to have regrets.
when i said “i do”.
it meant i was ready for commitment
thirty five hundred dollars was well spent.
on something borrowed and something blue.
i thought i was doing the right thing.
for better for worse no matter the weather.
i’m done playing house and letting you have your way.
i am leaving .
i cannot stay.
i cannot allow you to treat me this way.
i deserve the best and that is true.
i thought i was getting it .
when i married you.
but you lied and i cried it’s over now.
it’s the end of the play.
take your bow.
i am walking out the door.
not sure of what the future holds.
but i know that i cannot stay here.
-When I close my eyes I see two pools of caramel staring back at me. I can see his smile, touch his face. I fall easily into his embrace.
-With my eyes open two black diamonds shine brightly with rage, the hard lines in his face–the hateful way he says my name. The way he looks at me with his eyes screaming distrust.
-Closing my eyes love caresses me, it is gentle with it’s touch. He has a look of desire, me- a look full of lust. A sharp pain…
-Brings my eyes open again, a slap across my face with the palm of his hand. I can’t believe I love this man. I thought he was the one. I wanted to bare him sons. My eyes shining bright with tears, I can’t let him see my fears so I close them….
-Then I see him with an arm full of roses. I know I should be with him I suppose, no one really knows. He gazes at me smirking–I feel my body jerking…
- I open my eyes just in time for the blow. I touch my face, blood pouring out of my nose. Those two black eyes now dull like coal, he hits me again–harder for sure, I am falling down to the floor. The pain I feel is unreal he is kicking me in the side. My fear, I can’t hide anymore. The room is spinning and…
-Suddenly I see him grinning my two pools of sunlight looking into my face. I never wanna leave this place. Now I know this one I love for sure. I open my eyes and I still see him stand there. All I feel is love, no pain anywhere.
-He gives me a hug and I hug him back he says I love you and my face cracks—into a beautiful smile for him to see. He grabs my hand and walks with me.
-As I show him the things I want and more, I know I will never be blinded by hurt and pain anymore.
THINKING TOO MUCH
Open spaces occupied by thoughts of you.
Thinking of how we used to be.
Thinking it was me for you and you for me.
When two becomes one, baby makes 3.
Thinking of loving you in spite of all my fears.
Thinking if you cared if I shed a few tears.
Thinking of how quickly things can change.
Thinking of how quickly we try to blame. Others.
Thinking of how we lost touch.
Thinking about leaving.
Hell, I’m already grieving, losing site of my vision, because of this division in us.
It has caused another line in my mind thinking of this all the time. Making me blind…losing track of time. Crying out why?
It isn’t important you see, while you were too busy thinking all of this, I was thinking about me.
WHAT I DID DO
You want to know what I did do, let me tell you…
When others said you couldn’t, I said you could.
When you said you shouldn’t, I said you should.
When you said I can’t, I said come on you can.
You said “I know what to do I’m grown,” I said “go ahead then you da man.” But then you fell down and stayed there and then you looked up at me….”What are we gonna do now,” you said. I said “oh now you want to see…if I can do what I told you to do, when you said you couldn’t do it?” I stepped over you and kept on moving while you had to think it through. While you were laying I went and handled your business and decided that you should know. You looked at me and told me that I shoulda did that from the git go. You got up and dusted yourself off as if nothing even happened. I wanted to turn around and slap you. I loved you a lot more than you loved me. Is that the way it’s gonna be? I’m gonna do my part and yours to, so that you can do you, I’mma do me…………